He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
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