I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
