Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
