The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
