Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
