Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
