I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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