i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
