fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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