Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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