I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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