Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
