I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
