You're earring is so big in my mouth
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
