I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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