Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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