i need an iv and a liver transplant
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
