i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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