I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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