My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
