Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
