my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I believe in your delicious
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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