I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
