I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
