We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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