My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
