i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
