Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
