I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
