remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
