some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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