What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
