sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
