I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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