I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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