My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
