The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
