Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
PANTIES FOUND
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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