Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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