In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
