Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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