my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
