im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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