I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Randomize
