she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
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I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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