hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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