lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Found your dick twin last night
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
