My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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