I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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