Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
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i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
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All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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