I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
