too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
