I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I can text with my tongue
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
