Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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