i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
