I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Four minutes until I can fart!
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
