so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
