It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
