How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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