so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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