you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
